Part 2: She gave up all of her vacations aside from a four day trip, and spent the summer instead coming down to my house to take my children out on adventures. She was here almost every day, by herself or with my dad. She did my food shopping, she cleaned my kitchen and bathroom, she brought me to the doctors and the emergency room. She took on a shitton of work to make sure me and the baby stayed healthy, Lucinda and Townes were happy, and my husband able to continue his work without interruption. Admittedly, I felt and expressed guilt for the burden I was adding to her already, and always, full plate; she has always responded with gratitude, simply saying she is so thankful she gets to be here and do this for us. Maybe it’s because she’s a cancer survivor, maybe it’s just her natural empowering attitude, but that perspective always brings me to tears. 🔻.
That’s what I am trying to embody in this pregnancy: simple gratitude for getting to be here and experience this. This is a challenging time right now and I cry. A lot. I doubt my capability and my worthiness at times; in my worst moments I feel like I’m letting my babies down with my exhaustion and frustration. But my mom is here to remind me with her presence and her words, that love is sacrifice with a joyful heart, knowing that what you give freely, willingly, and compassionately to others will return tenfold to you. Here she is with my kids at the top of the observation tower. When she heard I was walking them out there alone, she insisted on going, despite the fact she is preparing (again) for knee replacement surgery. And what a good thing, as both kids needed to be carried pretty much the whole way back. Which she helped me do. She’s always been helping to carry me, in one way or another, and I am immensely grateful to be the recipient of a love so deep. 🔻.
I am learning, here in my late 30s, that showing up with the right intention is what makes life, and your efforts within it, count. That is where I have set my focus in these days, not on the solution or the grand gesture, but on simply showing up and asking to be of service. For Lucy, for Townes, for Rosie. For myself. My momma taught me that.